Made To Be Broken
by Jeanny
Summary: Tara and Willow make an unpleasant discovery. (Major angst warning!)


Title: Made To Be Broken

Author: Jeanny

Spoilers: Through the end of Season 5; mild Season 6 in the sense of foreshadowing, if you chose to see it that way... 

Rating: PG

Feedback: Yes, please! jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Distribution: Go ahead, I don't mind, just credit me and tell me where it's going.

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, Inc., UPN and any one else with a legal binding claim to the shows and/or characters. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: Tara and Willow make an unpleasant discovery. (Willow's POV)

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I found you. So still.

I can't breathe. Can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe...

"Did you find her?" Tara. Behind me. Can't breathe can't breathe can't...

"Willow, you found her? Is she...?"

Tara. Have to warn her, have to...

"Don't look!" 

I find my voice, finally. And take a breath. It's good, to breathe. Very good.

Except sometimes it leads to crying. Which it does, now. I look at her, and she's crying to. Oh God. I hate when Tara cries.

"I shouldn't have let her out," she says. For a second, only for a second, I'm so angry. She shouldn't have let you out. If she hadn't, you wouldn't be...

You wouldn't have...

Oh God.

"It's not your fault. She...she loved to go outside," I say, and I mean it. The anger's gone; it wasn't real anyway. Now I'm just so sad. I didn't think I could get sadder...

How can I fix this?

"How bad?" she asks, and I realize she hasn't looked at you at all. Because I told her not to.

"Bad," I say, and wipe away more tears. She opens her arms and I open mine and then there's warmth, comfort. This is bad, everything's bad, but I can hear her heartbeat in my ear, and things are better. Just a little. 

Still, there're the questions. And they're here, in my head, making noise, so much noise that I have to say them or I think I'll go crazy. 

"When does it stop, Tara? When is it enough?"

"Enough of what, honey?" She's not asking because she doesn't know. She's asking because she knows I need to say it.

"Death. Loss. You know. I m-mean, I know it's part of life, but it's supposed to happen when you're old and you've lived, right? But Joyce didn't get that. Or B-Buffy! Or M-m-miss..."

"Miss Kitty," she finishes for me. Now I'm the one with the stutter. She's always been stronger than me, you know. You know. "Sweetie, I'm really sad, too, but death is just a-"

"Part of life. I know!" I say, and it comes out harsh. Way too harsh. I breathe, getting myself under control. "I know. It just hurts..." 

And I can't say anything else. Breathe, cry. So much for control. But she's holding me tighter, which is good. That makes it better, just a little, at least on the outside. I breathe her in, try to make it better on the inside. Tara in the air makes it spicy, like ginger and patchouli.

"Shhh. It's okay," she says, and I know she doesn't mean it's okay that you're gone, Miss Kitty. But it still feels like that, and I suddenly feel all stiff. Hard. Empty.

"No. It's not okay. I let her down."

"Will, no. I mean, I was the one who let her out..." Tara stops talking. She knows I've shifted topic, and she knows what I mean. Probably before I do. One of the many amazing things about her. "You didn't let Buffy down, honey."

Buffy. That's where this heavy feeling comes from. I can't believe she's gone. It's been months, and I still can't... 

It's not that I don't care about you, Miss Kitty, because I do. And when I find out who did this to you, left you here so still and half...eaten, they'll pay. I promise you, they will. But Buffy, was Buffy, you know? And I owe her my life. Because I owe her Tara. 

I'm not arguing about this with her now. Not here, not now, not this time. It changes nothing, because she can't change what I know. That night, the night Buffy died, all I could think about was helping Tara, curing her. And then Dawn got cut, and Buffy...I could have prevented that. I could have done something. But there's no point in rehashing that again, not here...with you so still and lost.

So dead. Just like Buffy.

And you know I've never been able to make her understand that I know this, like I know my name is Willow and I know that you were a good kitty and I know that I love her. Goddess, but I love her. So I'm not going to say anything.

"Buffy shouldn't have died," I say. Why did I say that? Tara's stroking my hair, trying to comfort me. This is all too familiar, and I wonder how many times we're going to have this conversation in almost the same words. She responds by rote. 

"It was the only way, honey. To save Dawn. To save us all."

"It couldn't have been!" My voice is harsh, accusing, bitter. We both wince, and she lets go, and I miss the contact right away. She's standing right next to me, but I'm alone. I should be alone. I've been treating her so badly. She deserves so much better. "I'm sorry, baby."

"It's okay," she says, trying to smile. I know she means that. I know that she's still hurt, though. "We're both really emotional right now," she adds. To let me off the hook. I can't let me off that easy.

"That's no excuse. I'm just...I'm with the whole 'death is a part of life' thing, really I am. I mean, Joyce, I wish she was still here, but I understand that she had to go...but Buffy didn't die because of some disease, or even an accident! She...it...it just wasn't natural." I close my eyes wearily, expecting her to argue with me. I don't want to fight about this, but I can't stop needing to understand this, to fix it somehow, even though I know it's not possible.

It's not possible, is it?

When I open my eyes Tara's looking at me funny, almost guilty. For a second I think she's keeping something from me...but I think it's just guilt over you. I'm going to miss you a lot, you know. I wish you were rubbing my legs, or playing with string, or begging Dawnie for tuna. I wish I knew what happened to you, Miss Kitty. But I can't, because whatever happened, I know you're okay. You're...wherever they send good kitties after they die.

Oh God. I need to bury you.

"About Miss Kitty," I say, and Tara nods, not saying anything about the abrupt shift of subject. "I'll bury her." I say, resolve face in place, but Tara still shakes her head. She's immune to the resolve face, darn it. 

"We'll do it," she says, in that firm tone she has. I know this means I have to tell her about you, but I still try to avoid it. I just feel like I need to protect her from everything, sometimes, even though I know I can't.

"I can handle it."

"But you don't have to. And I want to...I mean, she was ours, you know? It seems only right that we should do this together." She's right. We should do this together, but I don't want her to see you like this. I don't want to see you like this.

"It's bad."

"I know, honey..." she says, trying to soothe me. I don't want to be soothed. I can't be soothed. I have to be strong...like an Amazon.

I breathe.

"It's real bad. Something...ate her, I think."

"Oh." That's all she says, but there really isn't anything that needs to be said. But I can't help but ramble now. It was a strain, keeping it all inside.

"She was just a little kitty. This is just so wrong. She didn't deserve to die like this. Not to be eaten, by a big dog, or some hell beastie thing. She was just...we should never have let her outside!"

"I'm sorry," she sobs. Could I get any lower? Really, could I?

"Tara, no...I didn't mean you, yesterday. I meant us, ever."

"We couldn't do that to her, honey. She loved going outside. We just...couldn't protect her."

"I guess."

"You can't protect me, either." Sometimes it's scary how well she knows me. "It's gonna be okay. We'll bury her together." We turn to leave, but I need to say this now. I don't say it enough, and all of a sudden I'm so scared. It's like...it's like something's going to happen in the next moment that's going to change everything, and I won't have said this to her enough.

"Tara!" I say it with such urgency that I scare her. Now she's looking around for some threat. It's not out there, yet. Still in here. "I love you. Just...I love you."

"I love you too, honey."

"I just...I don't know what...I can't lose you, too." Her arms are around me again. I'm safe. Thank God.

"You can't, you know. Lose me. We'll always find each other," she whispers.

"Promise me. Please promise me that you won't..." I can't finish the sentence. Every promise I need would be a lie, and we both know it. Finally she looks at me with so much love it's almost too much to bear.

"I promise you that I'll never stop loving you."

It's not enough. 

My eyes are all blurry. Tara's arms are around me, and her head's on my shoulder, just as it should be. Always.

She can't promise me, but I can. I promise, Miss Kitty. I promise I'm never going to lose Tara. She's not going to end up like you or Joyce or Buffy. I won't let it happen. I'll fix it.

Whatever it takes.

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